Saturday, March 13, 2010

Going on 40...

So, yeah, I am about to turn 40 tomorrow and I have been taking a long hard look at my life.  Comparing where I am to where I thought I would be. I find myself elated and also sad at times for the decisions I have to make in order to go on.
Elated, because I truely never imagine my life blessed with a family.  I figured I would be saving the world (yeah right!) or CEO of a multinational company.  Never did I allow myself to dream that I would have a family of my own.  I had my own family obligations, taking care of my mom and grandmother and the family business in Argentina.  I thought I wouldn't have time or the energy to have something of my own.  Funny how things turn out, funny that my mom pushed me to get out (at least for a while) to get my degree far away from them.  Thanks to this I met incredible people, made soul-saving friends and fell in love with my husband.  In a million years did I think that I would end up in VA married and with the best child ever, surrounded with friends and family. 

Now, I find myself 40 years of age with a 2 year old and a husband.  Sometimes wishing I were 30 so I could be relatively young when Carr goes to college and decides to have a family of his own.  I find myself worrying about my health and age because I want to be around to enjoy all this.  My mid-life crisis has to do more with my son than with me.  I thought this would hit me full force with gray hair, wrinkles, etc. but it has to do with the might happens and as a friend told me asteriods falling from heaven.  Let me explain: I worry about not being there for Carr, I worry about dying and missing all that I never once dared to dream about.  It might not make sense to you, and frankly it sometimes doesn't make sense to me but I have been engrossed in constant worry about "missing out" on things that have yet to happen because I am old.  I also find myself filled with sorrow about not having seen my grandmother for the past six years, missing my friends from my other life (argentina) and missing their moments (weddings, babies, etc).  Life is complicated and messy, doesn't matter how OCD you are or how hard you try to control your surroundings.  I have been through a lot, and experienced many awesome things and my heart longs to experience more and for the first time in my life I am afraid. 
I am trying to snap out of it but this past week has come and gone.  I am trying  to concentrate on the blessings and not focus on my fears.  I love my son more than life itself.  Whenever I think about not being with him I can't breathe but you know what, God gave me this blessing and I am going to enjoy it while I can and I will leave my worries on His lap.  I want to thank those that have helped me this week, I really have listened and I am counting my blessings.